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| General : Dealing with birthparents during
contestment |
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| From:
Got2bmaemae
(Original Message) |
Sent:
5/28/2005 11:02
AM |
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I would like to hear how everyone has dealt
and continues to deal with the
birthparents during the contestment.
We do not have any contact with the birthfather
who is contesting. He has always used the
birthmother to convey and recieve info. We
have an open adoption with the
birthmother.
It is dealing with her that is difficult
through this.
Just hearing all of your stories has really
helped. It is amazing the kind of
responses I get from my friends-who mean well
but don't understand.
Each of our stories are unique but there is
strength in knowing We are not the
only ones living in this state of purgatory...
For those of you who have been in this battle a
long time. WOW ! such
strength.. I feel like I have lost my sanity
and It has only 4 months since we began
this whole rollar coaster. (it has been crazy
since day 1) it has been a rather intense
filled four months I can't imagine 6,8,10
months.
-Mae-mae | |
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Hello Mae Mae,
The birthmom is the
one contesting our adoption. She was served
documents about the adoption a week and a half
ago and we hadn't heard anything from her. Here
is the weird part.
She called and left a
message while we were out 2 nights before and we
called her back last night. She said she got the
documents from the attorney and thought we might
be mad at her, so we didn't return her call. She
said she was worried, we were upset with her.
???? She was very pleasant and kind. (Upswing of
bipolar and honestly, she's not playing with a
full-deck.) We talked about our son going into
Pre-K this August and how he was so excited to
ride the bus. How good this school is. She asked
if it was okay to send a video game (the one
that plugs into the TV and is pac-man and some
of the games we all grew up with- okay, the
older ones of us grew up with) for all 3 kids to
play with. Would they enjoy that? I mean it was
just a strange conversation. We then talked
about the family reunion that will be held July
16th, one week after our court date and she said
she'd definitely get up to the state for it and
was excited.
Now, after that
conversation, what would you all think? Does she
even understand what those documents were? Does
she think if she ignores them, we can't proceed?
I just don't get it. (My sister being a special
education teacher with over 20+ years of
experience said she's borderline mentally
retarded and probably all of the years of
alcohol/drug abuse, hasn't helped matters.)
As far as the birthfather, he
relinquished, but he calls about once a month
also and is so sweet. We send pictures to both
and try to remain as upbeat as possible.
Kitty | |
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Kit,
I can totally relate.Regarding
Birthmother..not putting two and two together or
calling and acting like everything is okay in
the midst of the emotional hell they are putting
us through. The birthmother of our son seems to
have selective memory. It is frustrating because
she asks the same questions over and over and
over again. Her lawyer was fit to be
tied...
Every week she would ask about the baby
dedication and when she can schedule a
visit. We had visions of grandeur with our
open adoption. Her whole family was going to
come it was going to be beautiful... Then She
allowed Sperm Donor to poison her mind.. She
doesnt realize that her interaction with HIM is
preventing more interaction with our son.
I am unable to discuss all of it with her
because of the legal battle...She calls every
sunday night and reports what she calls
to SD (sperm Donor) she mentioned
which church we were having the baby dedication
at and low and behold SD called our pastor and
asked our pastor ask us to give baby back
to SD... Birthmother can't seem to put two
and two together... Umm we can't have the baby
dedication because we don't want PsychoDad
showing up... How are we to know if we
schedule a visit that he won't show up as
well. It would be too stressful already
every Sunday morning I am looking over my
shoulder. It's a very violating feeling
here we trusted her to be in an open adoption
with her. I always thought adoptive
parents who lived in paranoid fear about
birthparents showing up and kidnapping their
children were living in Fear. Now I
understand
It makes me sad because I was so pro open
adoption.. Now I am the poster child... why
sometimes open adoption is not in the best
interest of child and adoptive family.
UGH!!
-Mae-mae
Please clarify what is a TPR
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| Sorry, TPR is Termination of Parental
Rights.
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I kept trying other acronyms
Temporary Placement Report...
LOL DUH the real
definition makes much more sense  -Mae-mae | |
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Hi,
I'm a newbie. I'll share my story in
another message. In regards to your question:
our attorney told us absolutely NO contact
during the " battle" She said that anything we
said or did could have been miscontrued or
twisted. No letters, no phone calls, absolutely
nothing.
Lana | |
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Hello Lana, I wish we didn't have to deal
with the bmom during this, but our attorney
(just in our case- due to the family dynamics)
said that we don't want to look like we're
keeping the child from the "mother". Since we're
suing on grounds of abandonment/failure to keep
a parental bond, we have to allow her to speak.
UGH!!!!! (Now, since the distance between all of
us, we don't have to deal with visits. YEAH!!!)
I guess we can deal with his 30-seconds of
talking, once a month.
Personally, if
someone's contesting, I think it's so much
better to ignore, to stay out of trouble.
Kitty | |
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Weekly phone calls from Birthmother.
We have an open adoption with Birthmother.
Our relationship with Birthmother has gotten
really complicated but because the Bfather is
the one contesting. We have been advised
to play nice with Birthmother.
Emotionally I have been doing much better
lately, however, Sunday nights are really
hard because Bmother calls. She obsesses
about this child. What food did he eat
this week? How tall is he.. Can you send a
picture of his new teeth.. Can you send a
picture of his toes. Instead of warm
fuzzy feelings towards her I just want to
puke. She continues to expect us to treat
her with respect etc.. yet she has betrayed us
in so many ways. She has lied, betrayed, accused
us, told us she regrets her decision
and asked us to give the baby back to
bfather. Because she is in constant
contact with the bfather. We do not feel
comfortable arranging visits. We agreed to
three or four times a year. We have had
him since Feb. She has already seen him once and
is asking for another visit. It is hard
because we don't trust her. How are
we to trust that she won't tell bfather either
on purpose or by accident not realizing he will
use the information.. might show up at the
visit. YET we have to walk a delicate
line.. trying not to completely push her
into joining the bfathers legal case. She
is just a confused hurting grieving person who
is being manipulated by a madman. So all
the visions of an open adoption.. She is not who
we thought she was...have turned into
nightmares.
I am really hoping this contestment will
not drag ON and ON.
The joys of a contested adoption
-Mae-Mae | |
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| From:
bwinks |
Sent:
6/12/2005 12:58
AM |
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If you do have contact with
them make sure you keep a journal and record all
conversations. It is legal as long as one of you
know that it is being done. Make sure you right
down each time you talk to them and what is
being said and if you send them anything like a
card or letter write it in your journal and make
a copy of it for your attorney.
Barbara | |
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Our weekly dreaded phone call.
We decided to make Bmother happy and
arrange a visit in the next couple of
weeks. This will keep her happy for a
while.. If we can keep her happy during till the
trial is over It will be worth it. Plus
hopefully she can see how he has bonded with us
and our children. Bmother asked if
Bfather could send Noah something for his
six month 1/2 bday. My dh said he would have to
go through our attorney. Bmother also asked
if after the trial is over if
Bfather could have visits like she
does. Dh said (what our attorney's
advised.. This is not the topic of our
conversation. This phone call is about
Noah)
It amazes me the dense she can be.. It
also amazes me that she allows herself to
be birthf.'s puppet. He never has the
guts to a. Talk to us directly. b. show up
at the custody placement etc...
At least we have made it to the six month
mark.. Bfather has officially abandoned in eyes
of the law our son for six months.
Although in our state 60 days abandonment is all
we needed to file for adoption without his
consent. This is a milestone and grounds
for a TPR.. YIPEE!!!
Hang in there..
-Mae-mae | |
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Reply
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| From:
Got2bmaemae
(Original Message) |
Sent:
6/10/2005 10:11
AM |
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My previous post must got lost in
cyperspace. Yesterday I sent a post if by
chance you got it.
Disregard this message.
Even if you didn't get
the post I guess it was theraputic to
type. It helps me process this whole
mess.
I am still chewing on
this past phone call with birthmother. She
is really wanting a visit.
We agreed to three-four
times a year. We have had him 3 1/2 months
and she has seen him once.
I really want to wait
until after the trial. It is stressful enough to
mentally prepare for the trial without having to
emotionally deal with a visit.
I hate that we have to
play nice and play games. Lawyers want us
to keep her happy so she won't join the legal
fight. Even though emotionally she already
has. We speculate from conversations we
and the previous foster mom has had with her
that she thinks the biodad will get baby back
and then give baby back to her. She can't
afford to contest and she doesn't trust the
lawyer we provided for her.
WE are looking forward
to the day when we can sit down with her and
tell her how we really feel,
redefine our
relationship etc.. but for now... the games
continue UGH
The joys of
contestment.
.... There are so many
orphans out there in the world without psychotic
obsessive parents who need a family to love..
who knew we would of ended up with this type of
adoption. Really annoys me that
irresponsible people can take advantage of the
system and take advantage of good hearted
people...
All of us. who were
willing to open our hearts and homes to a
child. Why these people have the power is
infuriating.
Thanks for letting me
vent...
Megan
Mae-mae
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| From:
bwinks |
Sent:
6/11/2005 4:11
PM |
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Megan Mae-mae,
I know what you mean about
there being so many adoptions out there that go
on without a hitch and here all of are with the
adoptions from hell. It doesn't seem right I
agree. We were like you and provided our
birthmom with an attorney and the day we went to
mediation because the birthfather had finally
agreed to sign her parents talked her into
changing her mind and we were blind sided at the
table of mediation when the mediator came in and
said I have to tell you that the birthmom's
attorney will not be here today because the
birthmom has changed her mind and so the
birthfather will not be signing as well and now
they have joined sides and they and her parents
are now fighting you for your son. If I had it
to all do over again I would have not hired her
an attorney and would have had our attorney
terminate her rights and just took my chances
with the birthfather. That is my advise to
anyone who is in a contested adoption with the
birthfather. Don't always believe half of the
shit the birthmom tells you about the
birthfather because she is speaking out of her
own pain and it isn't always true. If we had
went ahead and let our attorney temrinate her
rights with the judge our adoption would have
been over last August. Not this month almost a
year later and thousands of dollars and million
of tears later. Sorry to vent and that is just
my two cents worth.
Barbara | |
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At least we are not alone in our
misery. You can vent and share your
misery anytime. It helps to know that we are not
alone in our pain.
Keep us posted as things progress.
-Megan | |
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Barbara...
I was trying to find your whole story as an
Intro. How long have you had your
son. Our pretrial is the 23rd so I will
definitely keep you in my prayers.
-Megan
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| General : Got a package in the mail |
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| From:
Got2bmaemae
(Original Message) |
Sent:
6/11/2005 2:14
PM |
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Okay guys,
I am trying not to over analyize this, and
if we were not in a contested adoption and just
an open adoption maybe it wouldn't seem so
wierd. The birthfamily (birthmom-grandma
and Aunt ) sent a package with Happy Birthday on
it.
(Noah turns 6 months tomorrow.)
Inside the package was justa card signed by the
three of them. Saying they miss him and think
about him all the time and hope to hold him
soon. etc.... I am really hoping it means they
expect a visit.
But part of me believes they really think
they are getting him back. Its so hard
when there has been so much deception.
I know I am reading into it. I just
thought it was kinda wierd
Any thoughts from the group.
-Mae-Mae
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| From:
bwinks |
Sent:
6/11/2005 3:56
PM |
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Take it from someone who got
those kind of card each week for months. Even
after the judge told the grandmother not to have
any contact with us at all. The cards came each
week and were even dated saying things like I
can't wait for you to come home. We are waiting
for you. You can come home now. They are just
trying to harass you so don't let them get to
you. Our son is now almost 14 months old and our
final hearing is on the 23rd so please just look
at it for what it is. Just their way of getting
you upset and to get under your skin. Believe me
I know how much it hurts. Our cards come each
week address to our son and they refer to my DH
by his full name but I am always disrespected
and called just simply Bar as if that is going
to upset me. They say in their they can't wait
for the day he gets to come home to his mommy
and brothers. When his mother doesn't want him
and believes he is right where he should be. So
don't let them get to you and just hold on to
your little one and thank God for each and
everyday you have and thank God for your baby.
Keep the faith that everything is going to be
all right. Lean on your friends especially the
ones here who have and are still going through
this nightmare. It is so hard for those who
haven't gone through this to really understand
what hell this is.
Barbara | |
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I also agree with Barbara. It's okay if
they want to think they're going to get him
back, because you know different. They're just
stirring that pot. Don't let them get to you. If
they think that making jerks of themselves is
going to make you give them your child back,
then they are sadly mistaken.
After
reading the post about the card, I honestly also
thought they were talking about getting him
back. (So, you're not the only one jumping to
that same conclusion.) Don't trust any of them
as far as you can throw them. Be polite, but
don't go beyond that. I honestly also would
stall off that visit as long as you can. Make
excuses not to have it for now and see what
happens.
Kitty | |
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I know all of our stories are a bit
different - but what I don't understand is -
WHY? - why do they want to give US grief? - like
we're not doing enough - I'm sorry - but they've
ALL had the opportunity to step up and care for
their kids.........there is NOTHING - NO WAY -
NO HOW I would be without my child.........if I
were homeless for a while - we'd be homeless
TOGETHER - whatever the excuse is they're
using.....it just makes me sick - but that's
funny - because that's exactly what my counselor
said too - that they just want to control me and
make me upset..........it's so
ridiculous............ | |
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I almost hate to reply to this with the
mood I'm in, but those people are giving grief,
because they can. They're miserable people and
want to make you that way too.
If they
could have parented, then why aren't they doing
it?! They can't and are holding it against
people that can. Don't let them bring you down
to their level. You know what's right and keep
fighting for your child.
Kitty
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| From:
bwinks |
Sent:
6/14/2005 12:14
AM |
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I agree with you that it does
make me sick that they want to give all of us so
much greave and treat us as if we have done
something wrong. We are not the ones who are the
ones who have lied changed our minds a hundred
times and don't put the babies needs before our
owns. We are the ones who have been put trough
the ringer and have had to pay through the nose.
I'm like all of you no matter what I would never
allow my child to be taken away from me and I
sure as he%% wouldn't put the up for adoption. I
would do what ever it took to keep
them.
Barbara | |
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IT's because we in the 2% club.. HEar me
out now... 98% of NORMAL rational human beings
the minute their child is born, either assume
full responsibility for parenting or hand that
responsibility over to a responsible adult
(adoption) Then there are the 2% the wishy
washy can't make up my mind.. Not capable of
making or sticking to a responsible
decision. TO HAVE THE NERVE to decide
since the baby looks cute that day they want to
parent is so infruriating.. Denying the child
the dignity and respect they deserve to be
treated like a person not an object or doll we
can dress up to look cute. But when we get
tired of playing house we'll hand them back over
to a responsible adult. I crack up
because our bmother in defense or sperm donor..
says... " Bfather deserves the same amount of
time I had to make my decision It wasn't fair
that I made that decision without him... My
response is what a load of crap. We were
uncertain even while she was in court weither
she was going to parent or give the baby
up. It is unbelievable to me that people
think this way...
They think they can get free babysitting
for 2 1/2 months while they make up their minds
to parent or not.. Then of course after the
adoption another... How many months of "Free
childcare" meanwhile putting our family through
emotional and financial stress... Why these
people are made to pay back the foster parents
and pay the attorney fees of adoptive parents is
beyond me.
Ok my rant is over...
Whooh that felt good
Megan | |
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| From:
bwinks |
Sent:
6/14/2005 10:52
AM |
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Megan,
Go a head and vent believe me
I would love to vent in our case this crap has
been going on for now almost 14 months and our
bmom has signed twice and the bdad has said on
more than one occasion that he cannot parent and
will sign the papers but here we are and
thousand and thousands of dollars and millions
and millions of tears and sleepless nights later
still waiting for our day in court. Just because
we are not the bparents who can get a day in
court in a matter of days or a little over a
week or so it took us 14 months to get ours
which thank God is next week! I think that it
would only be fair that in cases like ours where
they had no right to ever put us through this
kind of crap because it wasn't them in the first
place that wanted our son but their parents who
have no right. Should at least have to pay us
back for all the attorney fees. Now that would
be justice. Well sorry guy's but I just needed
to get that one off my chest.
Barbara | |
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T used to send letters to Paul that woud
day things like. " I am your REAL mommy" That
woman is your Aunt. When we are together again,
I won't let her steal you again" Of course
he was too little to read, so I knew the letters
were meant to hurt me.I wasn't allowed to reply,
my lawyer said NO CONTACT. I used to write her
letters. Dozens of letters. They were mean
hateful and TRUE! I never sent them. I would
write them, save them to the computer and read
them when I was in a bad mood. Once the adoption
was final, I deleted them. Paul as almost 3 when
she got out of prison. No way in hell I was
gonna just give him back.
I have had 5 biological children. I will be
the FIRST one to say that biology means nothing.
ZIP! The fact that I was able to conceive didn't
make me a mommy. Loving and raising and caring
for the kids is what makes a parent. Not the act
of conception.
Holding Paul while he had seizures ( from
the drugs his birth lady took while pregnant)
made me his mom. Setting the alarm and waking up
every 2 hours for the first 3 weeks of his life
made me his mom. ( he was so sick, that he would
have literally slept himself to death. We didn't
hear him cry till he was 2 and a half weeks
old!) You guys are the mommies. Period. Don't
let them get the better of you!
They feel as if they are owed the world and
it really pisses me off ( excuse my language, I
hope I don't offend) Not to say that I don't
appreciate the role the birth lady plays, but I
don't get into " birth parent worship"
Keep your heads up!
Lana | |
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Lana, I had to copy this part from your
post, speaking about the
birthparents........
"They feel as if
they are owed the world and it really pisses me
off ( excuse my language, I hope I don't offend)
Not to say that I don't appreciate the role the
birth lady plays, but I don't get into " birth
parent worship"
NO offense here. All I
wanted to say was, A-MEN!!!!! Thank you, thank
you, thank you. Finally, someone has said my
feelings exactly. I've gotten so tired of
walking on eggs shells for birthparents, when
some really don't deserve the time of day. I
know there are some outstanding birthparents and
those are excluded from these remarks. It's the
birthparents we deal with, that really piss me
off too.
Kitty | |
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AMEN sistas to the Birthmother worship...
SOOO why I am PRO international
adoption...Give immature people who make bad
choices power and BAM!! Here we are.
Re: writing letters. I have
written many... We have actually
written responses to their emails they sent
us. Of course they have not been
sent.
But we do plan on answering HER accusations
and lies. It does feel good to be able to
write them letters weither they ever see them or
not.
The latest drama... My dh told BM on
Sunday email us with a couple of possible
dates to have a visit. She called
yesterday and was wanting to make it for this
morning. So many reasons WHY that was a
wrong answer.
One... umm my husband actually works and
can't just take off anytime he wants to be at
your beck and call. .
UMMM No YOU ARE NOT the center of
the universe YOU are not the reason we have this
relationship it's supposed to be about
NOAH..Two.. We said give us options within the
next couple of weeks. When My husband
mentioned to her we would discuss possible
dates. She said " I thought you said I
could see him anytime I wanted in the next
week. My husband said well actually our
week is pretty busy.. that is why I wanted to go
over a few possible dates in the next week or
two.
But obviously IT IS ALL ABOUT HER.. Her
seeing him.. Her treating him like a
babydoll NOT about HIM not about anyone
elses schedule or lives. So
self-occupied...Three..Wouldn't ya
know after a month of no runny nose.
Sunday Noah woke up with runny nose and
conjestion.. which he has had on and off his
whole life.. Last time they saw him he was
sick.. They are obsessing about his health. The
LAST thing I need right before this trial is to
set her off regarding his health. We took
him to the Dr. Yesterday hopefully the drugs
they gave him should have him cleared up before
Saturday. So just want her to BE happy for
a couple of weeks....
Sooo wish they would just all go
away....
-Megan | |
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this just amazes me to see that we are all
so similar - I feel EXACTLY the same way - and
TRUST ME - I'm not offended - I have said soooo
much worse - to myself, of course - or to my
friends........
WHERE do these idiots get these stupid
ideas - about them being THE MOM.....I actually
put myself in people's situations and trust me -
IF (wouldn't happen) - but if I would ever have
to give up a child I would be GRATEFUL and
THANKFUL and HAPPY that someone would love that
child soooo much - and with such UNCONDITIONAL
LOVE - Love them truly - not just because
they're "supposed" to - because they gave birth
to them.........and I would NEVER tell that
child that that person who is giving them
EVERYTHING isn't their mother.......they're
crazy - that's all there is to it - the sad
thing here is - that there are so damn many of
them!!!! | |
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Got another package... Since visit was
canceled.. Sent clothes.. could always use
clothes.
Sent a card signed it Mommy and Daddy
PUKE!!!! As if that is providing for him
24/7 HA HA
why do people think DNA entitles you to
that title. It is a well earned
title.
Sperm donor and Gestational Mother are more
like it.
Megan
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As not to say negative things about the
birth lady in front of Paul during our contested
adoption, we always refered to her as ED (
stands for Egg Donor)
I agree, having sex and getting pregnant (
or getting somebody pregnant) DOES NOT EQUAL
BEING A MOMMY OR A DADDY!
Hope all goes well,
Lana | |
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Meagan,
Actually, before we found
Robert- bfather, we called them sperm donor and
incubator. Robert now carries the distinguished
title of Papa Robert and he cherishes it. Bmom
is still incubator. (Of course, she's the one
contesting.)
Our 13 year old daughter
(going on 30) has quietly eavesdropped on a lot
of things that were happening. We hadn't
realized exactly how much until she called the
bmom "BM". I told her that was inappropriate,
because it could also stand for Bowel Movement.
She then piped up, "I know. She's full of crap".
We can chalk that one up to "Out of the mouths
of babes". LOL.
Yes, we did have the
conversation about being respectful to our
elders even when it isn't nice to be and we
never wanted Jordan to feel horrible about who
his birthmom is. She deserves respect (gosh,
just typing that makes me want to hurl), just
because she gave birth to him and that entitles
her to a place of honor.
Let us know how
it's going. I hadn't realized you'd posted back
here, because I tend to only look at the
messages opened up in the
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| From:
Got2bmaemae
(Original Message) |
Sent:
6/11/2005 7:40
PM |
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Okay humor me. To keep our focus on
why we are in this hell.
Which is those precious children.
Here is "the question of the day"
What is the funniest/cutest thing your
child has done this week?
Here's mine: Noah has begun to roll
around (all over the floor) this week he got
stuck by the air vent and was freaking out
because it was blowing on him.
I know that sounds lame but at 6 months
old thats the best I can do..
Now my 2 yo there's a funny moment around
every corner...
-Megan | |
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We've got a 13-year old, almost 8-year
old and the 4-year old is the one, that is the
contested adoption.
The almost 8-year
old has a strange stomach. He'll eat almost
anything without a word, but if by chance he
really doesn't like it, automatically, it'll
come right back up. (No warning, no nothing.)
Well, the other night we were eating lasagne and
it had been a while since the 8-year old had
tried it (we usually just make him spaghetti
instead), so he wanted to try it again.
Unfortunately, the stomach didn't like it and it
came back up. Well, the 13-year old got up from
the table without saying a word, grabbed her
plate, and went into the other room, sat down,
and continued eating. The 4-year old had this
absolutely blank look on his face, looked at the
8-year olds plate, looked back at his, then
proclaimed, "I not hungry, I get down now?!" The
13-year old was the only one to finish dinner
that night. LOL.
The 4-year old is a
laugh a minute. Boy, I could fill this with his
antics.
Kitty | |
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Ok, my story is a little crude, but too
funny not to post.
My youngest, Paul loves cowboys. He wears
his " cowboy clothes" every day and asks us to
call him "pardner" The one thing he is missing
from his costume is SPURS. ( remember that
word)
The other day, he was using his
imagination. He was walking, stomping his
feet, he looked at me and asked ( very
innocently) " Can you hear my sperms?"
I about died, but I kept a straight face
and repeated the correct word a few times so he
wouldn't make that mistake again.
Lana | |
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| From:
bwinks |
Sent:
6/12/2005 1:25
PM |
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Lana,
That was so funny. I was ROTFL
thanks for sharing.
Barbara | |
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I certainly can't compete with the
"sperms"........but Lexi and I were in her bed
the other night getting ready to read a story -
and she repeated something I said - and then
spoke in this jibberish - I said what did you
say - she did it again - laughing like crazy and
she said - it's spanish - and then started
laughing again..........I think she's making fun
of THEM........since they speak spanish in front
of her and she has no idea what they're
saying........we just about peed the bed
laughing | |
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Welcome TearfulD
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| From:
Got2bmaemae
(Original Message) |
Sent:
6/12/2005 7:48
PM |
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So funny to check my other group... I have
not really been an active member of
AmomAlike...
To see Stacy, and barbara on the board.
Funny thing is, I don't remember joining
that group must of been while I was in
pre-adoption... SO much has happened since
then. I have kinda dropped off all other
adoption groups... To difficult to relate to a"
normal" adoption not enough hours to keep track
of everything
OOPS baby has woke up
Gotta run,
Mae= | |
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| From:
bwinks |
Sent:
6/12/2005 10:04
PM |
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Mae,
Believe me I know what you
mean it is sometimes hard to relate to those who
have not gone through what we are going through
even though I wouldn't wish this on my worst
enemy. I pray for each and everyone of us that
God will give all of us to strength to make it
through this. I'm like you I don't have much
time for all of the other threads right now with
everything that is going on with our case. I
stay close to home and groups that have people
like us who truly understand.
Barbara | |
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Yes, unfortunately, we are not the poster
child for domestic adoptions. LOL
Again so glad to be able to share what is
going on without the usual comments... our
unique situations (contestment) brings out
peoples fears, and contributes to the negative
stereotypes of adoptions. GREAT,, I wanted
to be this great spokesperson for adoption..
Look at us.. We did it you can too!!!!
Instead its like Don't look too closely at what
we are doing or you will never consider
adoption. My friends don't
understand the ongoing relationship that we must
maintain with the bparents during this
time.
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I also agree. It's so difficult being
very "cheerful" regarding birthparents/adoption,
knowing our worlds are teetering on the edge of
crashing down around us. (Adoption is a
wonderful, WONDERFUL, thing, but sometimes this
is just very difficult.) We also don't have the
awesome, supportive, bparents like those in the
"normal" open-adoptions.
I at least have
one adoption that was fairly smooth sailing, but
took over 2+ years to finalize. Gee, that was a
totally different type of a headache.
LOL.
I'm the host of the relative
adoption forum and sometimes I just want to
scream, "BE CAREFUL, YOUR FAMILY WILL NEVER BE
THE SAME AGAIN after you have custody of a
relative!!!" I also want to warn people that
family will sometimes consider you just a free
babysitter or are someone that's going to hand
the child over at the parent's whim, just
because they are family. (Gee, they trusted you
to take the child and do what was best for them,
but that OF COURSE, couldn't POSSIBLY go against
them.)
I'm sorry. Sometimes it gets to
me more than others. Oh, Bmom doesn't want the
child my sister is raising, (that has FAS- that
SHE caused), because he's not biracial. She only
wants the one I'm raising. Can someone tell me
how courts can look at women seriously, that
"choose" to only try and get one of their
children back??? Okay, if you can answer that
one, then why would any mother only try to get
one child back, when 3-children are out there-
and one is in the home of the man that sexually
molested her when she was a child??? I know, I
know. I'm just pounding my head against a brick
wall. sigh.... We at least have each other and
that's a lot, because we're all in this
together.
UGH!!!! Okay, rants over now.
Kitty
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Welcome TearfulD
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Reply
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| From:
Got2bmaemae
(Original Message) |
Sent:
6/15/2005 10:18
PM |
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Boy we have a lot of exciting and stressful
events for several of us on the group in the
next week or so.
Lana we will be praying.regarding new
baby. Keep us posted.
Our drama... I am sure the next month will
be high drama, because the Birthmother thrives
on it. Pretrial is Next Thursday. We are
trying to set up a visit...to make her happy.. I
got an email tonight.. Makes me want to
GAG!!!
I am stressed enough will all that is going
on. she told us she would like the visit
to be Saturday or earlier if possible. We
are having the visit at the former fosterparents
house (old friends of ours) the birthgrandmother
and Aunt plus baby cousin come along. SO
it is a full house, Noah is
sick I really would like him snot and
cough free when they see him. She is
desperate to see him.. She misses him.. She
really really wants a picture of him eating his
toes.. The pictures we sent will not go through
for some reason. ALL of this makes me want
to GAG!! I hate having to play this
game. I love my son but honestly...We have
had drama since day ONE.. five months of
CRAP.
SO thick hard to have the love for Noah
override all the it. We are going to very
graciously try to get out of Saturday
and make it next saturday that will be
after the pre-trial. Which means nothing
but just one hoop jumped through.
The next weeks leading up to the trial is
going to be stressful enough without dealing
with her Drama. But again in her state of
mind... lets just get her a visit make her happy
and get through this trial. The things we do for
LOVE..
YEs I will do this for Noah!! IT will be
torture put on a nice face watch them drool all
over him. Play nice.. Never was the catty
type in high school to play the two-faced game..
I just tell it like it is. UGH!! This is
stretching me beyond myself.. Not to mention..
the weight I have gained..lol stretched in other
ways. Makes me want to hypernate.
Not deal with anyone or anybody even my
children. and I am a major people person.. Gee
can you tell by my chatty posts :) Again
thanks No one else wants to hear it.. no one
else can comprehend the hell we are in.
-Megan | |
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Hello Megan,
I thought I'd give
you a bit of encouragement for the date of your
pre-trial. I'll have you know, it's our adopted
son's birthday, so I can only think good things
will happen on such a special day. (At least
that's what we'll be praying for.)
How
did the visit with the bmom go? I'm anxious to
hear all about it.
Our court date is
July 8th, so we're right behind you. We need to
start a post with all of the dates, that are
coming up and what they stand for. That way, we
all know to make sure we add some special
prayers for those
families.
Kitty
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oh I know - you poor thing - that's how I
feel when I have to take Lexi to these stupid
visits and Sam's "mother" comes and drools and
puts on this big show - it makes me soooo sick -
I can't even describe - and I would LOVE to tell
her what I think - BUT - I just play nice and
stuff it - so I don't cause
waves.........ewwhhhh - I feel for you!!!!
and praying for you!!!!
Love
Becky | |
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| From:
bwinks |
Sent:
6/20/2005 6:05
PM |
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That would be a great ideal I
would love to know what everyone is going to
court for. Sometimes I don't even know what we
are going for this time. I was told this was
supposed to be our last time but just found out
that was a lie. That they have 30 days to appeal
and they could take this to the supreme court.
And even though he threw the grandmother out at
the last hearing that she will be back in our
case fighting again on Thursday. It is all her
fault that this mess is still going on. She is
the one who just will not give up I hope this
judge gives it to her one more time. Please pray
for us tonight we have a meeting with bdad he
wants to talk about settling this out of court
with us before Thursday. I'm not holding my
breath because he has been saying that for the
last three weeks and court is in three more
days. But we will see we are not taking our son
with us since this is suppose to be a meeting we
don't want him to be interrupted or distracted.
I wrote down some notes that I'm taking with me
so I can hopefully keep bdad on track. Please
pray he is for real this time. I would be nice
to have him at least done and out of the
game.
Barbara | |
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Gag order was issued.. Media showed
up.
So I am unable to discuss the case
UGH!!!!!!!
BM case thrown out.
Stuff Good novels are made out of.
Trial Date set for
Sept29-30th | |
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Update on our drama.. The past two weeks
have been busy and relatively uneventful
LOL
The guardian et letem (Baby's lawyer) came
for a visit and our social worker
also had a scheduled visit a week later.
SO nice not to have ANY contact with
BM . This has taken A LOT of stress OUT of
our family..
We have our life back Weekends are peaceful
Sunday nights are no longer dreaded...because of
the weekly interogation.. phone call
And kept the drama OUT of our
lives...
On the job front.. Of course Dh had
two interviews last week. But was not chosen for
that job.
walking a tight rope with a blind fold
on. EEK!!!
Trying to just take one day at a time...
Trying to have fun with the kids this
summer
Trying not to deal or think about all the
STRESS in our life.
-Megan
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Welcome TearfulD
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| General : Birthmother has joined the legal
fight |
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| From:
Got2bmaemae
(Original Message) |
Sent:
6/20/2005 2:10
PM |
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Kit,
you asked for an update...here goes
This afternoon we got an email from our
attorney
Stating that the birthmother joined the
fight contesting the adoption. BM
has retained a lawyer .. Her defense.. She
didn't have sleep the night before the she
signed her consent.
The BP's lawyer's sent 100 pages of
accusations to our attorneys... Basically
outlining their strategy...
Good news... No visits no phone calls or
contact with Birthmother YIPEE!!!!!
Thursday is pretrial...
I'll keep you posted as things
progress
- Megan |
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| From:
bwinks |
Sent:
6/20/2005 5:53
PM |
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Megan,
Sorry to hear that BM joined
to fight I hate to say this but welcome to my
Hell! I'm happy for you that they didn't give
her anything though. We go to court on this
Thursday after 14 long months of Hell that we
have been fighting BF, BM and grandmother when
all along it has been the grandparents who were
behind all of this. Unfortunately she was
granted visits this last time around because we
won in the lower courts and now we are in the
higher courts and I'm sure we will win again it
is just a pain in our ass and costing us out the
noise with all of this mess. Hang in there girl
and know you are not alone. Sending positive
vibes your way. Any news on a court date? Is she
filing for anything yet? I hope your court
system is faster than ours. Get this ours signed
her rights twice and took them back twice so you
tell me where is the justice in all of
this?
Barbara | |
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Well lets hope Thursday brings finality for
you Barbara...Can't imagine 14 months of
this.... WOW it's almost over for
you.
What state are you in that they would let
her resend twice... Our justice system at
work....We definitely will be praying and
thinking about you since Thursday is our
pretrial we will have contested adoptions on the
brain..
In our case... The BM has NO legal
chance... In our state based on when and how she
resended and based on how excellent her attorney
did to make sure it was an airtight case.. She
has no legal standing.. She is going to try to
convince the judge that the foster parents brain
washed her.
Lack of sleep.. I don't think that'll
fly.
BF doesn't have a case either since we have
him on 60 days abandonment and 6 months
abandonment. Not to mention this guys
credibility as a sane human being. First we have
the immaculate conception theory...
Then all the racist comments that the
BF said to the foster parents. Judge
is African American. BF is racist bigot..
didn't want anyone to know he had a black son
etc..didn't want to taint his german
blood. .. Don't think that is going to fly
with this judge. The fact that the BM
thinks so little of herself to defend and
support an abusive racist is beyond
me. Truth is stranger than
fiction... We all could be contenders for the
Jerry Springer Show EEK!!
Good luck Three more sleepless nights till
Thursday!!
-Megan | |
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| From:
bwinks |
Sent:
6/21/2005 12:14
AM |
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Megan,
I'm in Texas how about you? I
will be praying for you on Thursday as well. How
old is your little one? Our adoption is a
private one but we made sure to dot all our I's
and cross all our T's so I'm not to worried
about it either. We already won once in the
lower courts and of course they appealed and now
we are in the upper courts. Last time when we
had trail the judge just shook his head and said
that none of them had any standing and that we
had standing to have them terminated and to
proceed with our adoption. Who would have
guessed thou that it would have taken this long?
This would have all been over last year if the
grandparents would have just stayed out of it. I
have heard that statement over and over again. I
think they need to pass a law stating that
unless a person is under a certain age that
grandparent can't interfere with an adoption. In
our case our birthparents were 21 and 28 when
our son was born. Old enough to make their own
minds up and be held responsible for their
actions. The sad thing is our birthfather never
even signed the birth registry or proved
paternity and is not named on the birth
certificate but yet he has been allowed to
continue to fight in our case. He should have
been thrown out in the beginning especially when
she had signed and this mess would have been
over with. That is how her parents were able to
suck into our case was to latch like a leech to
our case was through his case. Sorry to vent but
I'm tired its late and I'm just tired of this
whole mess.
Barbara | |
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Barbara,
What is Texas law regarding all of
this?
Is it up to the judge or the law? If
it was up to the judge why isn't all this
nonsense over? If it up to the law?
why isn't this nonsense over?
I wish there was retribution for friviolous
lawsuits.. Wasting Courts time, our time and
money.
Will they rule on the adoption on Thursday
or will they wait?
Absolutely ridiculous to put A child and a
family through this.
Borderline Child abuse if you ask me..pure
selfishness plain and simple.
-Megan
P.S. We are in
Missouri | |
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Megan,
Can I say, OH MY GOSH!!!!
Okay, I can't believe an attorney would actually
take a case, because "She didn't have sleep the
night before she signed". ???HUH??? I just don't
get this. Why are the court systems allowing
such crap? We can all just scream now.
Thank goodness they were stupid enough
to outline what they were going to do, so you
now have ample time to come up with a defense.
I'm in such awe with the stupidity of
these arguments. I can't believe how these
judges are allowed to keep this charade up, when
there's no legal rights that these people have.
I'm just shocked.
After listening to
everyone else, I'm a bit nervous for our court
date. Oh, and in Georgia, they can TPR and grant
the adoption all in the same hearing. We'll just
have to see if that's what they're going to do.
UGH!!!
Kitty | |
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